I find myself slipping again. Falling even, back into that dark place I just got away from. Last year my mother died, and I found out I was getting laid off during the same week. I was not prepared for either, but such is life.
I soldiered on, helped dispose of Mom's belongings over a 6 month period, dealing with my father was very difficult as usual. I found new work at a better place, with more money, and a horrible pre-dawn commute that kept me from home and fun for better than 12 hours a day. Then with the coming of summer I started pulling out of the funk. More money was nice. Getting to work after sunrise was good. I made Permanent. They gave me a house on the Mountain. Staying on the Mountain in the clean air and the trees. All helped to pull me from the funk.
My wife and I decided to try something different. She was going to go to Europe at the beginning of the summer and stay with friends, and I was going to go to Burning Man. She got her 3 week trip and had a great time. I got my ticket and made plans, paid camp dues. got some prep done... and the money ran out. That was ok though as I came up with a plan to sell our van and use some of that cash to finish prepping and get me there.
My plan for the Burn was simple. Go alone, let the wind take me, only worry about myself. Only one planned thing: Take the mortal remains of my Mother Lois, to the Temple, and leave her there with my wishes for peace and my love, and then to come back for the Sunday Temple burn. All else I would let the wind decide.
The van is not selling. I figured I could still make it though as I really only needed gas and food money. And then Tuesday happened. Our bank card was compromised and all our money was stolen. Sure, we will get it back, but were told 6 weeks... So I am selling my ticket to buy groceries so the family can eat. I made this decision last night. There really is no choice. As usual I am putting all else in front of what I know I need. That is the job of a father, I know.
I really needed this Burn though. To repair my psyche, to be in the moment, to say goodbye to the most influential person of my life.
As I sit here mourning my own loss, slipping back into the dark, I know it is yet another place in my life where I lost control. And I wonder. Did I ever have any control in the first place? Will I ever have control? When will I come out of this darkness?
What's the point?
